War for the Planet of the Apes Review

It's funny to think that a film called "War for the Planet of the Apes" contains very little actual warfare, or at least explosions, fighting, or gunfire. The trailers showcase pretty much all the action, most of which occurs in the first half an hour or so. What does that mean happens in the rest of the movie? Not a whole lot; the apes mostly speak in sign language (as well as some of the humans, but more on that later), only Caesar (Andy Serkis), Bad Ape (Steve Zahn) and the Colonel (Woody Harrelson) have much of any verbal communications. It is a brilliant example of how to move a plot forward without pretentious speeches, leaving striking visuals and a wonderful score to carry the narrative to its end credits.

With the Simian Flu having wiped out most of the humans, the Colonel continues to war against the apes, believing that ending them will obliterate the virus. After discovering Caesar's refuge of monkeys, Colonel kills one of his sons and his wife. That makes him go bananas with anger (pun intended), on a blind, one-ape army seeking revenge against the shaved-headed military leader. Several of his right-hand men (or is it apes?) talk him into taking them along for protection, along the way discovering a mute little girl and the rogue chimpanzee Bad Ape, who has been living in an abandoned ski resort since the aforementioned viral outbreak.

But Caesar is caught, locked up, and stages an escape after him and other POW apes are forced to build a wall for the colonel (sounds like the 2016 Presidential election) to stop another army of humans. Why aren't the humans banded together? Well the virus has mutated, turning people into non-speaking primitives, and while the colonel thinks that stopping the sickness with a gun will work, the other army thinks science can end it. But with such a gun-happy man in charge, Caesar is kept alive to service the plot, not because it makes any sense. He admits that he killed his son and wife because he couldn't find Caesar, so then why keep him alive?

This virus is shown to spread with contact, affecting people within hours, but if the monkeys have the disease, then shouldn't the imprisoned apes be sanitized or something? Shouldn't they be handled with rubber gloves or vaccinated? The virus can live on inanimate objects, and the colonel knows that (he mentions at one point that he burns everything that the infected touch), but has a petting zoos worth of apes right outside his sleeping quarters? How does he know the virus isn't spread in the air? His base is on a snowy hill, the windows are obviously closed (otherwise his heating bill would be outrageous). If the monkeys are so smart, why didn't they all spit at the humans, thusly infecting them? Or do the apes not carry the sickness? This is the part of the movie when the plot becomes murky, an opaque explanation of how and why that you sort of just have to roll with the punches, accepting what it says and ignoring your own questions.

But the apes look fantastic, interacting with actors and set pieces in a way that makes its predecessors look like video game cut scenes. Despite how common motion-capture is, the series remains the best example of the practice, and this film is the most impressive. And although not John Williams, Michael Giacchino's score is masterful, and although I didn't walk out of the theater humming any of the tunes, I did walk out remembering liking the tunes.

Spider-Man: Homecoming Review

Six credited screenwriters (six!) wrote the new Spider-Man movie, subtitled "Homecoming." What he is coming home to is beyond me (although he does enter his aunt's house a few times). Perhaps it was the school dance? It doesn't have much to do with the main plot (I mean, this is a superhero film), but then again, maybe I missed something (I mean, it is the subtitle). Maybe a seventh screenwriter was needed. But in the flood of superhero movies the past two decades, this is the second reboot, with Tom Holland taking over the role from Tobey Maguire and Andrew Garfield, with Tom having previously "guest-starring" in last year's Captain America movie.

But I saw that movie (obviously, I just linked my review), and I saw this movie (obviously, I am writing this review), yet I couldn't tell you how Peter Parker got his super powers. I know, a spider bite, but when did that happen? It didn't happen in "Spider-Man: Homecoming," but why not? Isn't this a reboot? If they are not going to show his entire beginning here, what's the point of showing any of his start? This is the sixth goddamn movie, do you think I care about the uprising of Spider-Man??

The screenplay suffers from the surplus of screenwriters, with at least one scene beginning in the dark of night ends up being bright and sunny by the end of it. At one point Spider-Man runs out of "web" stuff, but then, next shot, is firing webs. Too many conversations consist purely of pithy exchanges that sound good in TV commercials. And worst of all, well, actually, let me interject: the following is a slight spoiler so, read at your own risk. When Spider-Man climatically pulls Vulture from the wreckage of the film's big battle, the film pretends as if the good-guy has saved the bad-guy from something. But nothing happens. The rubble didn't explode, Vulture was in no danger under the debris. Why did Spiderman bother pulling him out? So he could trap him in a web of webs until the cops showed up? Wouldn't have the rubble have kept him in place? I'll tell you why, so we see our hero carrying his nemesis in slow motion.

End spoiler.

The plot is inconsequential- the stakes are a bit smaller here, but I'll do my job- I mean my best: Spiderman (pardon the spelling, I will be typing those words so many times this review that ignoring the hyphen will save me hours) tries to become more than "just a neighborhood Spiderman" and stop Vulture (Michael Keaton) from stealing alien materials (left behind from previous Marvel movies), repurpose them as weapons to sell on the black market. Tony Stark, a.k.a. Iron Man (a.k.a. Robert Downey Jr.) goes in and out of scenes half-soused, giving false parental guidance to the titular hero, whose only other adult in his life is his aunt May (played by the charming but superfluous Marisa Tomei). The main storyline is threaded by Mr. Spider's teenage angst, with a crush, a bully, a fat friend, a mystery loner girl- the usual stuff screenwriters (or at least the six credited here) think actually happens in high school; it is as if they never went to high school themselves and had only seen "The Breakfast Club."

I am all OK with the risks here being smaller- the world isn't in danger (only, really, Queens NY is), but director Jon Watts, whose sophomore effort "Cop Car" was a tight little thriller, leveled by a strong cast and witty script, sort of buckles under all the CGI weight. His smaller-scaled scenes of conflict (such as an early ATM robbery) are well shot and edited, but a late scene in a cloaking jet was hard to follow, with the camera whipping in one direction and bodies flying in the other.

Holland gives Peter Parker/Spiderman a slightly whiny persona, a needy complainer who always wants what he can't have yet (honestly, I'm surprised he turned down alcohol later in the film). And although I am not convinced this is the perfect depiction of the web-slinging teen, but I can commend him for the lack of smugness; this is the first Marvel movie in a long time where the hero wasn't a cocky jerk. Here, he stumbles with his powers, letting bad-guys get away and missing web shots. It doesn't completely work here, but it is a breath of fresh air.

But the star here is Michael Keaton as Vulture, who turns to illegal weapon trade when his salvage company belly-ups when his contract to clean up the Avengers' mess is abruptly ended when Tony Stark takes over. That's it. No gods this time, no magic weapons, nothing obviously "supervillain," and his story, and particularly his performance, made me wish the film was called "Vulture: Homecoming" instead. It isn't that his character is anything unique; he flies in a mech suit (*cough Iron Man *cough), but every time he is on screen, I forgot about little teenaged Spiderman. I guess it is that I just don't understand Spiderman an his powers- I get that Peter needs his latex underwear for some of his powers, but if he can't shoot webs from his wrists, what powers does he have? Super strength and can ascend walls? That isn't overtly spider-like. Why even bother with the webs if he needs attire to fire them? Could he have picked other abilities- why did he settle on a spider? (Perhaps he was getting over arachnophobia.)

Despicable Me 3 Review

Another weekend brings another kid's animated film, well, actually, last weekend, but hey, can't I have a life away from my keyboard? This time Steve Carell plays Gru, a bad-guy turned good-guy after three kids, a wife, and two predecessors. Overall? It is mindless children candy, with pop-songs and dance numbers, fart humor (on the production company Illumination's title screen even!), but nothing here is as deadened or as gross as the recent "Captain Underpants."

He finds out he has a long-lost twin brother, Dru (also Steve Carell), gets fired from his job at the "Anti-Villain League," while being targeted by Balthazar Bratt (Trey Parker), the supervillain here who is persistently stuck in the eighties (he was, of course, a child-actor in a TV show during that decade, but the film never materializes much from this). That is the plot's skeleton, but there are pounds and pounds of excess plot, particularly forgettable is the subplot about Gru's wife Lucy (Kristen Wiig) trying to be a "mom" to the three little girls; fans of the franchise know that Gru adopted them, so Lucy isn't their real mom (unless she is, and I just guessed the plot of the fourth film). Dru persuades Gru to become a villain again, one of the kids searches for a unicorn, the minions (the franchise's obnoxious mascots) quit and end up in jail- there is simply too much plot! And too much of it has been done before and with more wit (such as the slammer-sing-along ripped straight from "Austin Powers in Goldmember"), but I don't know... the kids laughed at least.

Bratt's 80's attitude is superficially charming,  dancing (or should I say "moon-dancing"?) to Michael Jackson, Phil Collins, Madonna (whoa, what a decade) and plenty others. His shoulder pads got a grin from me in the commercials I saw on TV weeks before seeing it, but there is zero depth beneath the retro haircut; his personality is defined only by the songs on his playlist. Parents may chuckle when he does he plays the keytar for the first time, but by the end of the movie adults will be wishing for somebody to hit the "mute" button. The rest of the cast speak with the passion as someone cashing a quick check (ironic), but the animation is fast paced, not exactly occurring at breakneck speed, but quick enough to keep a grumpy critic from falling asleep.

A week after release, a quick internet search shows this movie has grossed about half a billion dollars. That is a lot of money, and if you are a parent whose kids desperately want to see this movie, don't worry. It isn't terrible. It is far from good (let alone coherent), but for a non-Disney movie, you won't be needing to sneak in that flask to get through this ninety minute long film. Just do not bring in any candy- this film is so sentimental, so sappy and saccharine about family and all that stuff that if films had calories, this movie could cause diabetes.