Holmes and Watson Review

Never has a film made it to theaters that is so devoid of comedy that wouldn't be rivaled by the dud "Holmes and Watson," the new high-concept movie that stars Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly. It's not just humorless, but it's a feature length film where nothing happens, nothing interesting at least. It is a total wash, a dry example that having stars who were funny in other comedies does not mean they'll be funny in all comedies.

I laughed two times during it's brief runtime, once out loud and the other on the inside, my self-esteem ashamed to let anyone in the inexplicably packed theater know my funny bone was just ever so slightly tickled. It's not just unfunny, it's spineless, tacky, and being released on Christmas day feels like something The Grinch organized.

The entire experience feels as if no script was written, and the cast were told "hey, here's the plot for this scene, adlib it," and then they took the first take. Our leads resort to screaming lines over and over again, in a desperate attempt to get a laugh hoping that repetition and yelling will somehow make the witless punchline actually funny.

The plot is an excuse for the most senseless sight gags, poor puns, sigh-inducing slapstick, and belated Trump jokes to berate your senses. The one time the unlucky group of attendees heard my cackle was when tertiary character  Millie (Lauren Lapkus) is introduced as being raised by cats, which explains why her eyes are bugged so far out of their sockets. Why I laughed is beyond me, probably a pent-up laugh that my sense of humor prepped when it heard I was seeing a comedy. I would have probably laughed at anything, given how late the chuckle came in the film's running time; I'm just glad it wasn't at one of the many puke or "John C. Reilly is ugly" jokes. But in all seriousness, the actual plot concerns the title two trying to stop who is believed to be Moriarty (a very thankless Ralph Fiennes) from assassinating the queen. Not much in the narrative department.

The problem with a comedy like this is not in concept, it takes a "The Naked Gun" approach to detective fiction, a genre seemingly ripe for riffing. It takes an idea for a joke then goes further, the notion being that "once is funny, 5 times is funnier." But that doesn't work if the joke isn't funny to begin with. Take the scene when Watson and Holmes think they killed the queen (while taking a, sigh, "selfie"), her guards unaware and just outside their door. They try shoving her in a trunk, jumping on the lid when she doesn't fit, and it goes on and on; push and push the duo does, and she just doesn't fit. Funny right?

I'd share another example, but the film so passively escapes from your conscience the second a scene ends that it would require me paying another inexcusable ten bucks to see this trash again, and I refuse. No force on Earth or in heaven could get me to provide the film makers with any incentive, monetary or otherwise, to keep director/writer Etan Cohen working outside the world of also-ran sitcoms or greeting cards.

The Mule Review

Clint Eastwood in his latest film "The Mule" feels like a followup to 2008's "Gran Torino," had that film only ended differently. Both movies play like "Where is Dirty Harry Now" pictures, with Eastwood snarling at the camera, sarcastically swearing at the wrong people, with just a touch of callous but passive racism. In this latest adventure, he plays Earl Stone, a veteran (of course!) and glorified florist, who always put his work before his family. Must be a pretty boring family to put such a focus on flowers.

Starting with a flashback of him in his garden glory days, the movie quickly cuts to him today, his place foreclosed. Packing up his old beat-up Ford pickup, he heads to his granddaughter's pre-wedding party, only to be thrown out by his ex-wife Mary (Dianne Wiest) and his daughter Iris (Alison Eastwood), not before one of the guests catches wind that ol' Earl is in need of cash (to help pay for the wedding). The man promises all that he'll need to do is drive from one place to the next, something Earl seems all too happy to do in his decrepit truck. Turns out, he'll be transporting drugs into Illinois. Good thing we learn he's never gotten a driving ticket. Must be why all old people seem to drive so slow.

At the same time, DEA Agent Bates (Bradley Cooper) is brought over from New York to help curb their city's increasing drug use. Bates spends his time getting information about a new drug mule from flamboyant cartel worker Luis (Eugene Cordero), who's introduced getting a manicure (no doubt putting the man in the name). Of course, this new drug driver is 90-year-old Mr. Stone, and the rest of the film happens naturally and casually. Unfortunately Cooper gives a thankless performance, failed by the screenplay (and possibly the director), one that gives him little to do except look pretty and brush off the several times he crosses paths with Eastwood's Earl character.

The story is predictable, hitting all the major beats you'd expect from a film of this genre (cue character who coughs, but reassures our lead that "it's nothing." Don't be stupid, secondary character, you and I both know it's something). But we all came here for Eastwood, a man who's face has been beaten up and chewed out by time (and no doubt all the tiny cigars he chewed, back in the sixties when he didn't have a name), but is no less enduring than ever.

"The Mule" is a tale only interesting because it's real, or at least inspired by one, and the movie is only worth watching for Eastwood; you'd better believe there would be a whole star missing from that score above had a less prolific aging action actor played the role of Earl Stone. It is terrific to see Mr. Director back to doing what he does best, well, aside from action that is (Eastwood is at least not pulling a Charles Bronson here), relying purely on the dialogue, and delivery, to give the audience what they want. The discourse between him and his suppliers are a particular highlight, where minorly racist and ageist quips are tossed back and forth, with smiles on the faces of both sides. I don't have to agree with it, but I liked what I saw on screen today.