Dear Santa Review

Most Christmas movies are disposable, thanks to Hallmark and Lifetime; they leave the collective pop-culture as fast as they arrive. But at least once a year, Hollywood steps under the mistletoe, and the results are usually harmless but just as forgettable. They often (somehow) attract one or two big names and a competent director, but almost always are sanitized from anything memorable by a hokey script. 

But then, eeeeeeeeeeevery once and a while, Tinseltown lets out a real turkey, a cinematic travesty that is remembered only as "that" film, that awful, terrible, and I mean truly terrible film people watched, once, that one chilly winter day that one year. 2004 had "Christmas with the Kranks" (and "Surviving Christmas-" what a bad year for jolly ol' Saint Nick), 2006 had "Deck the Halls," and 2024 has "Dear Santa." And it's not even December yet.

Starring Jack Black and directed by Bobby Farrelly (and co-written by his brother Peter, alongside Ricky Blitt), "Dear Santa" stuns for over an hour and a half as mean-spirited and, more importantly, unfunny jokes limp out of its desperate cast's mouths. Lying about cancer? What about a kid with bad teeth? Or how about the death of a child? All game and all played for laughs, only there isn't ever, and I mean ever, a laugh that anyone could give up. Must all be saving them for a rerun of "Christmas Vacation."

Robert Timothy Smith stars as Liam, an eleven year old new kid at school who's parents Molly and Bill (Brianne Howey and Hayes MacArthur, respectively) are introduced arguing, and continue to do so almost the entire time. His dad thinks he's a bit old to be writing to Santa and that his mom coddles him. She, of course, is worried Liam is struggling to adjust to a new town and all that jazz, especially since he's dyslexic. How very festive.

She takes him into town to mail in his letter, but, since we gotta work that learning disability into the script, somehow, misspells "Santa" as "Satan," who is all too excited to be getting a letter, shows up one night in Laim's room and, well, there you go. There's the plot. It's a great idea for a plot, at least, especially since they got Jack Black to play him, but so what? It's all concept and no execution, as the film labors from one awkward scene about the devil trying to trick the boy into his "three wishes," like making the popular girl (Emma, played well by Kai Cech) go out with him to the next. Oh, sound too rote for you? Don't worry, Satan will concur up a few backstage passes to a Post Malone concert, so you get a movie and a show! BOGO? What a deal!

For his second wish, Liam chooses to fix his best friend's teeth (Gibby, played by Jaden Carson Baker), which is a nice gesture yeah, but what kind of message is that? Liam is white, Gibby is black; a white boy needs to fix his black friend's problems? Oh too topical? Then how about how instead of someone overcoming their physical limitations, just change your appearance? I mean, he needs those perfect chompers so he can get a girlfriend too. Ho, ho, ho.

I would tell you what his third wish is, but that would be mean, and I'm trying to stay on the "nice list" this year. 

Jack Black, who is usually a fun actor to watch, is buried behind makeup, hair and clothing, and looks bored as he forces out lines about poop and creepy uncles. But the worst actor here is our star, Smith; and I get it, he's a kid and I don't mean to be cruel, but he just don't have the charisma to carry a movie. His delivery is awkward and uncomfortable, and I felt icky watching him; eventually anytime he was onscreen, I just stopped looking at him and focused on the subtitles. Problem was, I then was focusing on the inane dialogue.

I guess my real problem with his character was how he just accepts this whole "Santa/Satan" thing far too easily. If a strange man showed up in my room one night when I was young, then I would have ended up on one of those "missing persons" posters instead of here, writing sassy things about terrible movies. Hmmm...