Jurassic World Rebirth Review

If the latest "Jurassic Park World" film lacks anything, it would be ambition. The sets, actors, direction, etc., are all top-notch, a lot of money spent to make this a very good looking picture, but the script simply steals scene after scene from the monster movie cliche-factory. Say what you will about the series' "Fallen Kingdom" or "Dominion" entries, but they at least swung for the fences, figuring out how to make a haunted house or "Indiana Jones" with dinosaurs work.

Actually I take that back, the beginning is fun: the film opens in 2010 in a secret lab where they're making hybrid dinos. A novel idea but it gets better; it's amusingly explained that a candy bar wrapper, which was sucked up by automatic doors and caused the system to reboot, is the whole reason the monsters escape and thusly, the whole reason this movie exists. It was a Snickers bar, in case you're wondering, you know, because it's funny. Har hee har har.

But I digress: I lay much of the blame on writer David Koepp, who co-wrote the first one (alongside franchise creator, the late Michael Crichton) and solely penned the first sequel, and "Rebirth" feels like a direct continuation of the latter: great action sequences populated by characters I felt nothing for. There's the shady pharmaceutical guy Martin (Rupert Friend), the sarcastic dinosaur expert Dr. Loomis (Jonathan Bailey), the franchise-usual "child who shouldn't be here" Isabella (Audrina Miranda), etc.,. Even Scarlett Johansson, as the mercenary Zora, is wasted, looking commanding holding a gun, but like the rest is given nothing to do; people simply go where they shouldn't and get chased (or eaten) by creatures who belonged thirty five million years ago.

The narrative is equally uninspired: Martin's company needs samples from living dinosaurs to cure heart disease (a plot all dino-loving kids will no doubt care about), so she in turn hires Duncan (Mahershala Ali) and team to take a boat to the equator, where dinosaurs roam free. All countries have banned entry to their habitat, but that shouldn't be a problem; as he explains "no one is dumb enough to go where we're going." Talk about a great sales pitch.

Zora is only in it for the money, and so are her allies, but what surprises me the most about this obviously bad idea is that a literal doctor would willingly, after everything that's ever happened in these pictures, to go ahead with the plan. Sure, he's rock-climbed before, but he isn't exactly the kind of guy who usually lives very long in monster movies. The film tries to explain that he agreed because the population has stopped caring about dinosaurs, a statement I just plainly refuse to believe: have you ever met a six year old kid? (Or the people who willingly pluck down seventeen plus bucks for a ticket and the 3D surcharge?)

Speaking of 3D, it isn't worth the extra few dollars: I didn't feel more immersed in the action, and the dinosaurs didn't come out and eat the annoying family in my row who talked the whole time. Shame.

One of the trio of dinos they need dino-DNA from is the, checks internet, the aquatic mosasaurs, but before they can complete 33% of the plot, they intercept a distress call. It's Reuben (Manuel Garcia-Rulfo), his two daughters and the oldest's lazy boyfriend. Their sailboat was capsized after a dino attack, so not only is Reuben a bad father for taking his children into dino-infested waters, but that there really isn't any policing of the deadly ocean to stop bad fathers like Reuben from taking children there!

Anyway, the mosasaurs are found to be working alongside a pack of spinosauruses in hunting; Duncan tries to escape their pursuit but crashes the boat on an island (where else?), and the two parties get separated. There's a lot of cool ideas here, but they either go nowhere or are illogical, take the different species forming a squad for lunch: it's brought up, leads to a terrific action scene, and then dropped. T-Rex? Goes about solo. Dilophosaurus? Lonesome scavenger. It is just so frustrating.

Reuben, now limping thanks to an injury he sustained on the boat, is trying to find a village Martin mentioned, following warm pipes he hopes will take them to safety, where as Zora and friends continue looking for the remaining two living theme park attractions they need. I did find it a bit refreshing that the film chooses to have two parallel bands of survivors, opposed to them all sticking together, but of course, being PG-13 Spielberg-sanctioned cinema, the guys and gals with guns are the ones who end up as dino-chow. I don't necessarily want to see kids or teens (or a dad with his children in sight) get munched on, but what sense does a group with weapons and a paleontologist being the team that's snacked on make?

I also would have liked for this village to actually exist, just to see what kind of crazy people live with the dinosaurs. Maybe in the sequel.

The remainder of the runtime consists of your usual jungle scenes ("did something just touch my leg in the water?" a character asks), a field of long neck herbivores (the only time where characters are in awe at the creatures' beauty) and abandoned InGen labs (including a gas station, complete with a convenience store). I wouldn't mind so much (aside from this being, checks internet again, seventh film in the series) if they did anything new here. But no, "Jurassic World Rebirth" only wants to tread the familiar, like an extended riff on the kitchen scene from the first movie. Or the character you're supposed to believe was eaten, only for them to inexplicably live, just like in part three. Or like the aforementioned gas station, like, oh I dunno, the second film, the franchise' worst entry, though now it has some competition.

Heads of State Review

From the director of 2021's above-average "Nobody" comes the equally above-average "Heads of State." It's got a high energy level, action scenes that look like they're happening in-front of the camera instead off from a computer, two terrific lead actors and a subject matter ripe for satire.

John Cena, finally finding a project worthy of his charisma, plays Will Derringer, a model turned actor turned president of the United States, and the film knows how silly it is when Hollywood enters politics. Much of the humor towards the parody president comes from Sam Clarke, played with laconic irony by the always wonderful Idris Elba, the UK Prime Minister. He bemoans the man, thinking of him as a joke and dreads the idea of having to share the stage when the two countries have to hold a press conference to discuss their alliance on some gobbledygook satellite system called "Echelon." The two come to quips, and in an attempt to get some positive publicity, Sam joins Will aboard Air Force One. The bickering continues at 30,000 feet. 

The two, however, are soon attacked by an assassin disguised as a server, the plane begins to go down, but the duo are able to escape with the only two remaining parachutes. While very-much alive, the world thinks they're dead and the two try to head to a safe house in Poland. What they don't know is that Echelon has been compromised by a very bad man, Viktor Gradov (Paddy Considine). He's upset that his son was killed offscreen trying to make a nuclear reactor, and thanks to Echelon he now has access to all sorts of classified NATO secrets, which he leaks to try and disassemble the regional alliance. Or something; the plot in a movie like this is about as important as the calorie count on the big bucket of popcorn during a good summer blockbuster.

Along this very familiar turf, our familiar characters run into another familiar cliche, the former lover AND also-thought-to-be-deceased secret service agent Noel (Priyanka Chopra Jonas). Her and Sam "used to work together," and her team was killed in the film's opening, depicting how Viktor actually got his hands on Echelon, but what I was more fascinated about was the utter lack of chemistry she and Idris had. He is ten years older than her in real life and it shows, and I never believed for a second their prior romance. (Or their, gasp, potential rekindling?!) What's even more amusing is how the actress is actually married to Nick Jonas, who is ten years younger then her! Not that it matters, but it does go to show just how closely one needs to pay attention here, or how long it sticks around your dome once the credits roll.

But who cares when the action spans planes, trains and automobiles, the fights and shootouts showing who is throwing a punch, or who is taking the bullet, director Ilya Naishuller clearly knows how to handle material like this. And whether it's actual physical stunts or just really good CGI, I never got the impression that the pricey cast was just standing around a green screen reacting to things that'll be added in post-production, helping take me back to a time where every few weeks it felt like the theater or the local VHS store was littered with these kinds of dumb action movies.

I lamented the lack of logic in my review of Liam Neeson's recent "Ice Road: Vengeance," and while "Heads of State" is equally oblivious to how things in the real world actually function, it works this time around because it is 100% action comedy and zero percent thriller. Both parts to its genre whole breed beautifully in the outrageous and unbelievable, and this film has it in spades. How could I believe that a random Russian farmer would recognize Will from his movies when none of her boys did, especially since they're probably the target demographic? Why should I pretend to think that one of the leads actually died when a rocket is shot into the building they're standing in, with something like thirty minutes left on the runtime? In what world should I accept the lunacy that Viktor could somehow stage a surprise assault on a NATO summit, where security should be tighter than John Cena's bicep curl? The answer? Because it gives the filmmakers the opportunity to stage some impressive set pieces and actors to deliver a few amusing lines of dialogue.

Ice Road: Vengeance Review

You've seen a movie or two where an aging "name" actor is slapped across the poster and trailer, only for them to make a glorified cameo appearance. The genre is usually action or thriller (or if the makers are feeling frisky, an action thriller), and stereotypically appeal to old men; they're commonly called, the cinematic slur, "geezer teaser," and everyone from Steven Segal to Sylvester Stallone is guilty to these quick paychecks, often eschewing large releases in favor of a very limited release, then littering the dying DVD section of mega-marts.

But not Liam Nelson: his films have him in almost every fight, shootout and action sequence, being a true professional by giving his niche audience what they want. I call his picture "geezer pleasers."

Only something strange happened with his latest venture, "Ice Road: Vengeance-" none of my local theaters were playing it when it came out last Friday, and not even a week later, it is ready to buy or rent digitally. This marks perhaps the beginning of the end of his late-career turn as a mainstream action hero, where he'll join the video-on-demand ranks of the few who still headline their films; Dolph Lundgren and Jean-Claude Van-Damme may soon have some company on every budget streaming service. 

"Ice Road: Vengeance" is, perhaps unsurprisingly,  not Liam Neeson's best film; hell, it's not even his best film with the word "ice road" in it. A sequel to 2021's guilty-pleasure "The Ice Road," where he played an ice road trucker, everyone's favorite aging Irish actor returns as Mike McCann, who is not seen steering a tractor-trailer on an ice road. Instead, we learn that Mike, struggling with survivors' guilt, heads out to Nepal to spread his deceased brother's ashes atop Mount Everest. So far, so snowy.

But cut to a nearby village, where the townspeople are angry at Rudra (Mahesh Jadu), a shady businessman who wants to build a dam. But the Rai family won't sell their land, leading to the mysterious death of Ganesh's (Shapoor Batliwalla) father. Fearing for his own life, he heads out into hiding in a remote cabin in the mountains, urging his son Vijay (Saksham Sharma) to leave the local market and join him. 

I've compared Liam Neeson to the late Charles Bronson in nearly every film of his I've reviewed, and this boilerplate plot makes this his "Messenger of Death." But I digress. 

Back to Mike, together with his guide Dhani (Fan Bingbing), they head up the mountain on a tour bus driven by Spike (Geoff Morrell). His quirky dialogue and shabby appearance makes the most of his limited screentime.

How do these two plots collide? Vijay of course takes the very same bus up to his father, but along for the ride are two assassins, who take the whole vehicle hostage in broad daylight and an extremely populated road. Mike and Dhani make quick-work of the crooks, naturally, knocking one out of the moving vehicle and tying up the other. After losing control of the bus, because Spike just didn't, you know, hit the brakes once the hitmen were neutralized, the local police show up and that's it, that's the end. Only it would be, if one of the passengers (Myers, played by Bernard Curry) hadn't gotten this feeling that something wasn't quite right.

What follows is scene after scene of increasingly goofy moments that betray both the budget and our star's reputation. Take, for example, when their bus tips over while being pursued by that bad businessman and his squad of bent cops, their axel torn right off. Mike and friends notice that down the cliff lies a vehicle graveyard, and are able to climb down the cliff and rig a pulley system to lift up parts of the abandoned trucks. It was so outlandish, so unrealistic and didn't have any bearings on the plot that I asked myself "what's the point?"

The whole production is like this. Why is this a sequel when it has almost nothing to do with the first one? Why is a film with the word "ice" in the title feature practically no ice? Why does Dhani know how to fight? Why are there no other tourists ascending what's probably the world's most famous mountain? Why is the CGI so shoddy? Does being a dumb movie mean I shouldn't ask those sorts of questions? What kind of dumb rule is that?!

Yet there are some admirable qualities- returning writer/director Jonathan Hensleigh does handle the action with some finesse, and effects (when practical) are impressive. Also returning is cinematographer Tom Stern, who sometimes fills my TV screen with beautiful shots.

But does being objectively bad film means I didn't enjoy "Ice Road: Vengeance?" Of course not; I never regretted my time sitting on my couch, my hand shoved deep in a box of candy. And, I mean, where else can see a seventy three year old, Oscar-nominee Liam Neeson take out a bad guy with an urn?