Kinda Pregnant Review

Netflix's latest comedy "Kinda Pregnant" has one joke, and that's "what if Amy Schumer pretended to be pregnant." It fails the feeble concept with an anemic execution, the kind where for almost 100 minutes you sit surprised on your couch, wondering how a stacked cast like Schumer and costars Jillian Bell, Will Forte and Damon Wayans Jr., among others, fail to take this idea in any interesting direction. No, instead, a make-believe pregnant Amy crashes into a wall, catches her tummy on fire and falls on it twice. Har he har har.

Schumer stars as Lainy, a grade-school teacher who wants nothing more than to be a wife and mother. In fact, she's convinced her longtime boyfriend Dave (Wayans Jr.) is going to propose. Oh he proposes alright, but for a threesome, not marriage. Oh, did I forget to mention that Adam Sandler is a producer?

You can just taste his touch all over this; exactly what a film about pregnancy needs.

Freshly single, she then learns that her coworker and best friend Kate (Bell) is pregnant, which is apparently all it takes for Lainy to don an artificial baby bump, stolen of course, in a fit of jealousy. And when wearing it out one day (I dunno, to "test it out" or something, the ordeal's genesis is pretty murky), she winds up making a new friend (Megan, played by Brianne Howey), who's brother Josh (Forte) is temporarily staying with. But Lainy already knows Josh, having flirted with him at a coffee shop during that all-too brief window in the runtime where she was single but not yet falsely expecting. She likes him and he likes her (culminating in one of the least sexy, or funny, sex scenes I've ever seen), but I'm getting ahead of myself. What matters is she's now in too deep with her lie, and despite knowing she's going to have to eventually come clean, she doesn't until the script demands. If only the script demanded something else, like a punchline that didn't involve swollen body parts, farting or puking, but I digress.

The narrative goes on and on, finding new but never interesting situations for those who know she isn't "with child" to almost cross paths with those who think she, be it at a Toys R Us (gotta get that product placement in), baby shower, or a, er, romantic boat? And when these lives do cross, all she needs to do is make something up quick or just turn her body just so that it doesn't raise any suspicions. You would think the fact that she never looks any more "pregnant" would raise some questions, but then again, the pregnant characters are either thin, big or bigger within the matter of only a few scenes that it's impossible to know the timeline

It's so egregious that a decently funny film would have make a joke about it. Alas, this is not that decently funny film.

What might have been interesting would be if Lainy's parents or something spotted her, for example, but the film firmly establishes her as an only child who's parents died when she was young, so that when her falsehoods inevitably show, she has some level of built-in sympathy. For the make-believe characters that populate this movie I mean, not at all anything that ever resembles any actual human that's ever existed anywhere.

Star Trek: Section 31 Review

I have never consumed a single piece of Star Trek, being more of a Star Wars fan, which makes the newest movie, "Star Trek: Section 31," all the more fascinating to watch; I should have had no idea what was going on, and I didn't, but its fast-pace, good cast, delicious overacting and even better special effects piqued my interest just enough to begin considering binging the media property in earnest. Or maybe I'll just wait for the sequel.

Michelle Yeoh stars as Philippa Georgiou, a name I most certainly had to Google, a sort of gangster who runs a totally legit club somewhere outside Federation space, or so the interest tells me. She's introduced during a flashback, where we see her (played by Miku Martineau as a kid) seemingly returning home from, er, something. Oh that's right, it's a sort of trial to see who'll become the next emperor, and she's got just one final test. What's the test? Oh nothing, just to kill her parents and younger brother (all within the first five minutes of runtime) before her competition San (played as a kid by James Huang and James Hiroyuki Liao as adult). She does, he doesn't, and she's crowned emperor, with San to forever serve as her servant. Talk about a cutthroat competition.

Anyway, Georgiou, having now assumed the name Madame Veronique du Franc (thanks interwebs), is soon approached by Alok (Omari Hardwick) and his team about stopping Dada Noe (Joe Pingue), who's selling a very dangerous weapon. The Godsend in fact, a weapon Georgiou herself had developed and later ordered destroyed. Of course, we wouldn't have much of a movie if it was actually destroyed, or if things went smoothly, so of course the Godsend is stolen, and then a lot more plot happens. In fact, there's probably about 25% too much plotting and 25% too little action plot, with a double-cross, few red herrings, a sabotage or two, all for what amounts to a pretty basic narrative. Still, there's enough good world-building, sets and creatures to keep any scifi fiend amused.  

But you wouldn't know the ultimately decent film this becomes at the start, with director Olatunde Osunsanmi filling the beginning with so much slow-motion that you'd think this hailed from Zack Snyder, including, but not limited to, slow-motion running, hugging, affectionately gazing, ladle pouring, laughing, eating, and oh yes, dying. It was so bad that I began questioning my decision to hit "play" on Paramount+, but I persevered, just for you- we believe in full-service film criticism around here.

He does go on to stage the action competently, so you more-or-less have a clear idea who is throwing which punch or shooting which gun, but then he decides to get all cute and constantly fuddles with the camera while people are talking, walking, or any other basic activity. Swooping left or right, up or down, gliding in all directions so we never get a sense of the environment the heroes, or villains, are in. It's disorientating and completely unnecessary, and feels like a really nerdy, two-hour long music video without, you know, music.

But it's fine. I was surprised at how much I was engaged with "Star Trek: Section 31," as if all the problems made the whole thing more intriguing. I would feel ripped off had I driven to an actual theater and spent actual money on a ticket, all while munching on overpriced candy, but watching from the comfort of my own couch with reasonably priced Junior Mints in hand, it's not bad.

Back in Action Review

The casting of Jamie Foxx, and Cameron Diaz especially, go a long way in keeping Netflix's next franchise wannabe "Back in Action" from being a complete dud; but a pair of effervescent leads can only keep it firmly afloat in "disposable" territory. And that's OK, if it's mid-January, too chilly to go outside and contribute anything to society.

Diaz and Foxx play Emily and Matt, who would look like any other suburban parents had the film not opened to an extended chase over its MacGuffin, a key that can control all sorts of electrical things. Like any James Bond entry, they first infiltrate a terrorist party, escape to a plane only for it to crash, the device seemingly lost in the snowy mountainside. Only it's not nearly as exciting or innovative.

But look at me, I'm getting ahead of myself- that scene was, like, fifteen years ago, and the couple now have two kids, watch HGTV, coach soccer and drive a minivan. Emily pines for her daughter's affection (McKenna Roberts), a fourteen year old who the two catch, alcohol in hand, at some 18 years and over club, and in a moment of blind rage, the former spies take out the creepy men who were pawing over their underage daughter. A bystander and their phone was all it takes for their old enemies, and allies, to track their whereabouts, all looking for this "key," so the family leave the states for London.

Why London? So we can force in an extended cameo by Glenn Close, as Emily's mother Ginny, but no, I swear there's a narrative reason for this outside the "globe-trotting" requisites made genre canon by Eon's adaptations of Ian Fleming's famous operative. See, the bad guys (and good guys) all think our heroes have the device, and, spoiler alert, they do. Or at least did, Matt having hid it at his mother-in-laws before she was legally related to him, unbeknownst to anyone else. 

The rest is your usual action movie stuff, with double-crosses, red herrings and plenty of PG-13 violence. But so what? Just because you have some explosions, gunplay and fights doesn't mean you have an action movie worth seeing. Director Seth Gordon, who also co-wrote it alongside Brendan O'Brien, competently enough films the fisticuffs, things only occasionally looking like janky green screen, but it's all so mindless and meandering. Not bad, just without reason outside the trappings of billing itself an "action spy comedy."

As for the comedy, things fare better, no doubt elevated by Diaz and Foxx's natural comedic timing; the script has a few truly funny scenes, but they're throwaway bits independent from the gobbledygook espionage business. And I can't help but wonder how much male writer/directors know about a mother/daughters relationships, but maybe I'm reading too much into things.

But the best thing here is the return of Cameron Diaz; it's so good to see her back, er, in action, and she has such genuine chemistry with Foxx that you wish this was some silly comedy about former spies, not an action spy movie with some comedy.

Den of Thieves 2: Pantera Review

The first "Den of Thieves" escaped me back when it was first released in 2018; only once it inevitably hit Netflix years later did I see it. And it was alright, but I couldn't really tell you what happened; in fact, star Gerard Butler was all I could remember. Well, seven years later comes the sequel, subtitled "Pantera," for some reason, and it is equally forgettable. I certainly enjoyed my time on my local theater's crappy, antiquated cloth seats, but here I am, mere hours later, only really able to recall that, again, Gerard Butler stars.

Writer/director Christian Gudegast collects all the usual ingredients, with exotic locations (such as Nice, France), alcohol, tobacco, fast cars, big guns and women with even, eh let's not finish that thought. Gerard returns as, checks internet, Nick, a gruff, chain-smoking LA detective who, still burnt from the events of the first film, is obsessed with finding Donnie (O'Shea Jackson Jr.). 

Can't remember what happened in the last one? Neither did I! Thankfully, this pedestrian film reminds us of what happened during its equally pedestrian predecessor: Donnie was able to rob the Federal Reserve without any money showing up as missing. It takes Nick about halfway through the sequel for him to figure out the events of the first one!

Anyway, is chase leads him to Europe, where Donnie meets up with Jovanna (Evin Ahmad), the leader of a group of thieves who are planning their next hit: diamonds.

Nick smokes and drinks his way to Donnie, telling him that he wants "in" on the mission, or else he takes him into custody. But there's a catch, to get into diamond exchange (you know, to learn the ins-and-outs of the building), he needs diamonds, and whoopsie, Donnie robbed them from the mafia. But whatever, it's hardly a plot point until it is. (And then it isn't, then it is, etc.) The narrative is unexciting, overly complex and, quite simply, silly.

What I liked about "Den of Thieves 2: Pantera" is how the caper is done, the preparation, setup, execution and, yes, the few bumps that always happen here (some pesky employee always unknowingly enters a room the crooks didn't expect). These scenes are tense, filled with class and style by Gudegast; the few shootouts and vehicle chases are equally well done. But as a writer, he fails to give us people to root for- his script is populated personalities, not people. 

Sonic the Hedgehog 3 Review

I have seen a lot of crap live-action animated kids films, and "Sonic the Hedgehog 3" stands out as one of the much better ones. It doesn't achieve the level of cinematic impact as "Who Framed Roger Rabbit," which is unloved by me but certainly appreciated, but so what? It's fast moving, silly, illogical, irrelevant, not-quite-funny but consistently amusing time at the movies and a hell of a lot better than, say, the god-awful "Tom & Jerry" movie.

"Sonic the Hedgehog 3" is marginally better than "Sonic the Hedgehog 2," which in turn was marginally better than "Sonic the Hedgehog." In other words, it's far better than it has any right being. This is of course the third film based on the popular video game, and I'm not sure if you need to be at all familiar with the franchise to get enjoyment out of this closing chapter of the Hollywood trilogy, but I was most definitely thoroughly entertained.

The plot, if you could call a third film about a super-fast, wise-cracking CGI hedgehog and his CGI friends having anything but a threadbare narrative, finds Sonic (voiced nicely by Ben Schwartz) and his pals Tails (Colleen O'Shaughnessey, returning from the video games) and Knuckles (a perfectly cast Idris Elba), who are celebrating the titular animal's "beEarth day" (recognizing his first "day" on Earth, or however it's spelled) when they're called into action to stop a mysterious new threat: Shadow the Hedgehog. Keanu Reeves lends his voice here, an actor who's physical presence is usually better than his actual voice. He's fine, I suppose, but no one watches "John Wick" to hear Keanu speak.

He also needs to contend with Jim Carrey in a dual role, playing both Dr. Robotnik AND his grandfather Professor Robotnik, and he is as unhinged as ever. He's given free-rein to walk funny, talk funny, say funny things and pretty much, relive his glory days from the 90's. I love watching his flexible body slink around in ridiculous poses, contorting his face like a live-action cartoon; frankly, he's got a head more expressive than any of the actually animated ones. And having him play two different characters, gosh, it's wonderful. The world is a darker place when Mr. Carrey isn't goofing around onscreen.

But the plot, yes, see, it's explained that Shadow was found by scientists fifty years ago, and befriended the professor and his late granddaughter until G.U.N., the Guardian Units of Nations, try to take him away, which results in her death. It's a depressing detour from an otherwise candy-colored and coated story, but whatever; Shadow is thusly more "anti-hero" than villain, though that doesn't stop him and the old man from returning to exact revenge on humanity via space lasers.

It doesn't matter though- Jeff Fowler's direction is crisp and films the large quantity of action clearly so you can actually see what's happening, be it in Green Hills, Montana or London or even the moon. The superhero genre should be taking notes here. And the script, which somehow has three credited screenwriters (Pat Casey & Josh Miller and John Whittington), is lighthearted enough that a child's death isn't too much of a downer. It actually gives just enough humility to an otherwise saccharine experience, one where Jim Carrey has a duet with himself and occasionally speaks French.

Carry-On Review

While watching "Carry-On," it became clear this is the best Christmas action movie I've seen since "Die Hard 2," the kind where I found myself pausing the Netflix original, stressed, so I could exhale "I hate airports too!"

And it's funny, since on paper, the Jaume Collet-Serra directed thriller has almost nothing going for it: it lacks any big stars, set-pieces and, one would think most crucially, anything original, but it works. Taron Egerton stars as Ethan, an unmotivated and bit of a screw up LAX TSA worker, who's girlfriend Nora (Sofia Carson) is recently pregnant and both of them have to work at the airline on Christmas Eve. I know I know, how festive.

After Nora pleads with Ethan to try out again at the police academy, he persuades his boss (a usual crusty performance by Dean Norris), he's given a chance to run the computer at the baggage scanner, eying a promotion. But this last-minute employee swap causes a slight headache for totally-not-a-terrorist terrorist, played Jason Bateman, who's team was just about to kidnap the family of who was supposed to be running the scanner today. But this a scrappy terrorist, and through an earpiece, tells Ethan he was to let a man in a red hat and black suitcase with a little red ribbon on it through, no matter what the X-rays shows. Or what? His expecting partner will be killed.

Oh what a day to ask for a promotion.

The rest is the usual collection of cliches commonly found in not only action movies but also films containing scenes of airports, such as lines of frustrated travelers, legions of stressed workers, and no fewer than two scenes of where groups of people in nice looking clothing talk about how many people fly that day. But if the script by T.J. Fixman is rudimentary, then the direction, pacing, editing and performances are are effective, swift and most critically, exciting. It doesn't matter that the whole film depends on specific people having and not having access to their phones, but I didn't care in-the-moment.  What the villain wants is less important than the gobbledygook device he's trying to smuggle on, which is itself less important than the act of watching people on-screen care or not care. Even familiar situations like the hero seemingly out-smarting his foe, where anyone who knew the runtime was barely half over, I wondered "is this it, did he really do it?" It's ridiculous how potently suspenseful the filmmakers have made of this musty material.

And I haven't even mentioned Elena, the police detective (played well by Danielle Deadwyler), who at first one thinks assumes the role of the usual incompetent cop in these kind of pictures, only for her not only to be the smartest character here, but also have her own story trying to piece together the plot. It's really good stuff; I sat glued to my moderately sized TV, wishing the room was darker so I could soak up more of the movie real estate streaming so wrongly places upon the consumer. A few decades ago, this would have attached some audience opening weekend, but alas, here we are in late 2024, wondering what the hell is going on with the world.

There's a sense of urgency as Ethan runs through crowds of people all draped in coats and scarfs, Christmas music on the speakers, and he's more than capable to, ahem, carry an action film. When he moves, his slender frame calls to mind that of Robert Patrick, and yet when he talks, be it to his superiors, lover or bad guy, there's a sense of exhaustion, bewilderment and naivety.

Bateman makes for a pretty good antagonist too, a bit smarmy but calm and collected, ordinary enough looking not to draw attention to himself but a good enough actor to come across as arrogant and distrustful. He lacks the suave command of "Die Hard" baddie Alan Rickman, but honestly, he's more than enough qualified to make late-career playing adversaries.

I lifted my satisfied body from the couch, fully prepared as to what to say here, but then as a few hours went and my fingers finally got down to collect my thoughts, something strange happened: I couldn't remember a damn thing about it! The plot, characters, the thrills, all lost, "Carry-On" remaining but a tile on my Netflix home page, the app suggesting other titles ostensibly similar. Still, I do remember liking it, even if I can't remember it itself, suppose that's something.

Our Little Secret Review

Look, I've watched a lot of dreck, holiday dreck to be precise, especially around Christmas thanks to the likes of Hallmark and Lifetime, but Netflix's latest Lindsay Lohan romantic Christmas comedy "Our Little Secret" is leagues ahead of anything you'd find on either of those two cable channels. Hell, it's better than the streamer's own previous collaborations with the star ("Falling for Christmas" and "Irish Wish"), and infinitely more watchable and charming than the company's competitor Paramount+ and their recent "Dear Santa." 

Really, "Our Little Secret" is just one or two script polishes away from being something that could do moderate business theatrically. If only, if only.

Lohan stars as Avery, a business person who hasn't quite gotten over the loss of her mother, her father's (Henry Czerny) retirement and attempts at selling her childhood home and, more importantly to a romantic comedy, her ex-boyfriend Logan's botched proposal from years prior. He's played nicely by Ian Harding, able to straddle the line somewhere between being aloof and intelligent.

Avery is worried to meet her new boyfriend Cam's (Jon Rudnitsky) family for Christmas, especially his mom Erica. She's portrayed by the always-wonderful Kristin Chenoweth, who plays her as a something of a villain. She won't accept her dating her son, for whatever reason, criticizing everything from the wine she brings to the jeans she wears. Erica isn't supposed to be a nice person, and Kristin slips into the role of snarky matriarch like hands in a warm glove on a snowy December day.

Logan's moved on too, dating Cassie (Katie Baker), who spends most of the film making "swooshing" noises on her phone. She's taking him to meet her folks as well and, wouldn't you know it, Cassie and Cam are siblings! Oh the shenanigans that follow.

Should Avery and Logan just tell the family that they used to date like ten years ago? Or, just hear me out, maybe, they should lie and pretend they never met. Lying never causes any problems in the movies!

So yeah, the plot is ripped straight from every other TV rom-com and honestly, a lot of the situations that happen, like a botched secret Santa gift-exchange to blaming the dog on eating all the cookies, play out like sitcom storylines, but that's not what's important. There's a comedic sense of energy here, thanks in no small part to a good cast of principal actors, and even bit parts from the likes of Tim Meadows to Chris Parnell; everyone here seems to be having, I dunno, fun

Veteran director Stephen Herek handles the obvious chaos with a sure touch, and the script by Hailey DeDominicis, who IMBD shows is her first and only writing job, keeps the story moving along at a good pace, giving us an actual plot! And jokes! With setups beforehand! It might not be all that funny, but it's charming and a huge step in the right direction for Lindsay Lohan and her very welcome comeback.