The Old Guard 2 Review

If I can praise anything about the sequel to Netflix's 2020 film "The Old Guard," it's that it doesn't bother with silly subtitles, sticking with the tired and true "2" affixed to the end. Sadly, when I say that's about all I can praise, I mean it.

"The Old Guard 2" is a talky superhero film that forgoes the freedom of not having any baggage the big guys have (Marvel and DC) by padding its runtime, scene after scene of characters walking around, sitting down, standing here or there, etc., spouting vague dialogue about the "freedom of being mortal" or whatever. Even the action, which is momentarily exciting, is brief and often dimly lit. And the big finale takes place at a nuclear facility, which, in movie-terms, means large rooms filled with steamy pipes, automatic doors and useless touchscreens. But that's the old guard, or should I say, old hat?

The first movie, which was a breath of fresh Hollywood glitzy air during the early days of the pandemic, is also lost in the blur which was that global event, and part two readily assumes you've freshly seen the original, loved it and read the graphic novels all this is based on. And if you're a normal (ish) person like me, who most certainly has not done any of that, then get ready to waste your rainy Sunday afternoon being both confused and bored. I did remember that Charlize Theron starred, so yay for me, I guess.

She plays Andy, leader of a merry band of immortal crime fighters, but do you recall her having lost her immortality? I sure didn't, and unless you press pause, select "The Old Guard" collection on the streamer and rewatch the earlier chapter, don't worry, it only takes about half this movie's length before it offers an explanation. In the meantime, you'll welcome back characters you didn't remember in the first place, like Andy's friends Nile (KiKi Layne), Joe (Marwan Kenzari) and Nicky (Luca Marinelli), as well as her former CIA pal Copley (Chiwetel Ejiofor). Did I hear a yawn or was it just me?

The plot concerns a mysterious woman named Discord (an absolutely wasted Uma Thurman), who we learn is the first of the immortals, after Andy's team stops an illegal arms deal from happening. Discord was the buyer, though when we first meet her, she doesn't seem all that bent out of shape from losing what is at least thousands of dollars of guns, but I digress.

Discord has also found Quynh (Veronica Ngo) in an iron maiden dumped at sea in the centuries ago, a former friend of Andy and she is quite angry she stopped looking for her. She joins Discord to get revenge, but why exactly did Discord rescue her? To get the manpower or to try and bait Andy out of hiding? I think both, and I'm not exactly sure the film knows either.

This alone is basic enough to build an action movie out of, but there's more: Nile is said to be the last of the immortals, and their local neighborhood immortal librarian Tuah (Henry Golding) has a theory that she also has the power to stop those from lasting forever if she inflicts damage. Why? Because he found an old legend, of course! It's such a flimsy excuse of an answer that even the characters don't seem to believe it, but that's what constitutes effective world-building for screenwriters Greg Rucka and Sarah L. Walker. The theory is true, of course, guess those ancient books are always right on the money.

There's more, of course, but "The Old Guard 2" ends so abruptly, so obviously setting up a third entry that I nearly hopped off my couch with delight, happy that I was spared any more tedium. Until the next one comes out, that is, and the professional critic in me presses "play."

I don't mean to come down too much on the film- it's way too inconsequential and slight for me to really hate, except how it wasted my time. But it makes no sense, goes nowhere and means nothing. At least the overqualified cast seem to be enjoying themselves, but their pleasure does not translate to me as I watched on, twiddling my thumbs and wishing I had another box of candy to eat.