Mutiny Review

If there's one thing I hate more than planes, it's boats. I don't trust the water, myself on top or what's beneath. But what about a plane that makes an emergency water landing? Jeez, my body tensed up so much just writing those words down that I need to use one of those complimentary alcoholic drink vouchers.

Fortunately for my silly irrationalities, the new big action movie "Mutiny," which takes place almost entirely upon a large shipping vessel, doesn't so much as utter the word airplane. Not that there's much in the way of dialogue, I mean, its lead actor is Jason Statham, who views words as inconveniences on his way to continue coming up with unique ways to insert ammunition into bad guys. If Liam Neeson is today's Charles Bronson, then today's Chuck Norris would be Mr. Statham, if only because both hardly ever stray from the action genre. I make that statement with both affection and the cold realization that I'll never get to see that starring role of his in a romantic comedy.

I can't quite get over the name though. The meat of the movie takes place upon a ship, yet the title is "Mutiny." Why not "Ship" or something? I mean, the director Jean-François Richet's previous picture was named "Plane" whose action quickly left the skies and took place in, checks internet, somewhere in the southern Philippines.

But back to "Boat-" I mean "Mutiny." This is not especially an inspired film, one whose story I swear I've read at least a dozen times before when scrubbing through the bowels of Amazon Prime, but I'll do my best: Statham plays Cole Reed, a highly decorated former cop and military something or other who now works as the top security guard for some big billionaire bloke (Ramon Tikaram). His boss is about to sell his Bangkok shipping business, so that his son will be able to follow his own dreams," as if being stupid rich wouldn't already allow that, but I digress. Soon after the title card appears, there's a shootout where Cole dispatches a half dozen nameless henchmen using guns, the side and open door of a car, but not before his superior is killed in the crossfire. 

Now, Cole knows he's in trouble; this attack wasn't some random act of violence but a strategic siege. He must have seen other action movies before. Rummaging through the assaulter's belongings, he stumbles upon both a passport and security card for, get this, one of the executive's own boats! Uh oh, this means it's an inside job, and no doubt will lead to him being blamed for his death.

So it's a good thing that the now-dead goon was not just white, but also bald, now he's able to infiltrate the ocean liner unnoticed, now on a mission for vengeance. What luck! Once it leaves the dock, he begins to creep around the ship when he hears what sounds like faint whimpering. Breaking the lock off of a large metal crate, the faces of ten or so women, men and children trapped inside stare back at him. He's surprised to find them, of course, but since he had to crawl so far deep inside the barge, I'm surprised he wasn't surprised that he could hear the noise in the first place. But this is Jason Statham we're talking about, his ears must lift weights and do cardio.

There are other characters, some of which have names in the script, but who cares? The sight of everyone's English tough guy using a knife to battle a man with an ax, all while swinging on a gangway, wasn't something I knew was missing from my life, but "Mutiny" has that and more! 

Well, more violence at least. Purpose, intelligence, grace and logic are in astonishing short supply. It's not just dumb but also excessive and also loud- subtlety appears here only in its right-wing agenda: human traffickers? Bad (duh). Your boss? Good (umm). The US military? Also good (also umm), and so on.

The fighting, which is frequent, bloody and features just about as many guns as it does punches, takes place almost entirely during the day, so you can clearly see who's barrel which shot is coming out from. And isn't that what really matters in an action movie?  I mean, it is until the action stops and plot is forced to happen: the narrative is packed with holes big enough to fit an entire ship though, along with both of Statham's fists. But just when I begin to think about thinking, this absolutely goofy enterprise pulled me right back into its absurdity that I found myself no longer caring. And people say I'm a harsh critic.