The Meg Review

"Fin"

That's how the new movie, and probably the last summer blockbuster, "The Meg" ends, and is about the only joke that lands throughout its 113 minute running time. That's sad, as there are a lot of jokes here, whether they try and tackle dating, death or race, they land with a thud louder than the feet of fleeing movie-goers; as the couple sitting next to me in the theater put it "that sucked." No one even waited around to see if there was a post-credit scene, which there isn't one; now that's a rotten flick! I didn't hear a single laugh or chuckle, and if I had night-vision, I bet there wasn't even a grin throughout the unreasonably packed auditorium.

The plot is a clothesline for unremarkable special effects, but I'll do my best digesting it into words. Jonas (Jason Statham) is persuaded out of retirement (of drinking Chang beer, it seems) to rescue his ex-wife (Jessica McNamee) and others from a marooned submarine deep below the Marianas Trench. You see, Dr. Minway Zhang (Winston Chao) discovered that what was believed to be the floor of the trench is actually super-cold layer of gas (or something or other). During Jonas Statham's rescue it seems a Megalodon escapes just behind the ship, as the temperature was raised just enough to allow for a giant, prehistoric fish to swim through (I can hear Peter Benchley rolling in his grave).

There are only two scenes that successfully scratch that "so bad it's good" itch, one being the climax, which I won't spoil. The other one occurs far too late into the picture, I'd say halfway through, but that's besides the point. Suyin (Li Bingbing) goes into a shark cage (yes, someone willingly entered the water with a megalodon in a plastic (yes plastic!) shark cage), and tries to poison it. She's successful, pumping the poison (I forget its name, let's just call it "shark killer") into the mouth of the beast, but not before she's knocked down and cracks her scuba gear. Jonas swims over to get her, does so, and by the time he brings her to the boat, the rest of the crew has raised the shark over the boat! It's dead alright, but that's a freaking 100~ ton shark, if the internet is to be believed, hanging by a crane over the back of the boat! And it's not some giant cargo ship or anything, it's some twenty five footer I'd wager. Why would they not just tow it to shore? But that's not all! The group prematurely celebrates, but not before another megalodon (yes they couldn't hold onto that idea for the sequel) leaps out of the water to eat the dead one! It's a gloriously stupid scene that shows at least one of the three credited writers knew what the audience wanted.

But why pay ten bucks to see this rubbish when you could just catch the last Sharknado film on Syfy Channel in a few days? That one promises dinosaurs, nazis, a bunch of other stuff, as well as sharks; "The Meg" has two good scenes, one good joke, and the ability to swim right out of your conscience by the time the credits roll. It fails on every level of movie making, except for, you know, getting made and making money.

There isn't a single scare, or even attempt at one, and the kills are disappointingly bloodless. Any good campy monster movie needs it! This leaves every action and plot point to be played purely for laughs, but nothing works. The cast is overall OK, lead by Jason Statham, a fine actor who does a good job keeping a straight face spewing inane lines like "... it's a megalodon," but the script fails him. If they were banking on a actor's charisma to save the film, have Ian Ziering headline. It would have pushed the successful joke count up to "two." The movie gets one "fin" out of four.