A Paramount+ original, "Paranormal Activity: Next of Kin" is the sort of low-grade sequel they used dump directly to VHS, only it's 2021 and the solution is now streaming. It's worth noting how I have not seen any of the prior films in the series, but that didn't seem to matter, the formula was apparent within the first ten minutes: people with far too many cameras go somewhere they shouldn't, and record when they should leave.
I'm not entirely saying that this isn't effective film, because with the right state of mind, I'm sure there is some audience for this. I imagine they're the sort who would watch with a group of friends, preferably inebriated with the lights out. Like that, it is a decent popcorn muncher, but only when you can watch others shriek at the numerous "jump scares" dotted throughout its ninety eight minute runtime. For me personally, the picture failed at the most basic levels, never giving me a character to care about, who instead do dumb things over and over again while providing only the most spartan reasons for all the dumbness. Oh, a spooky secret chasm? Well, better grab my camcorder and make sure I get the best possible angle. Who writes this stuff?! According to Wikipedia, that would be Christopher Landon. Shame on him.
We follow Margot, played by Emily Bader, an orphan who recently found out she not only has one relative (Samuel, played by Henry Ayres-Brown), but a whole family. And they're Amish, so why not make a documentary? Alongside cameraman Chris (Roland Buck III) and.... driver(?) Dale (Dan Lippert), they drive through the snowy lone road to Samuel's parents farm, who initially toss them out. Then plot happens and they end up as guests at their homestead with Margot keen on figuring out why she was abandoned in the first place. Does the family know something she wonders? Probably, otherwise this movie character wouldn't wonder it.
More plot happens, and well, does any of this at all matter? It would enter spoiler territory, and for a first-time watcher, that would have to be the only appeal the franchise has to offer, to go in blind so that when things go "boo" you can scream with a mouthful of popcorn. I didn't have popcorn, but the scent of fake buttery goodness would have elevated the mood. It would at least give me something to jostle around the couch had I been spooked, but then I realized that when the "found footage" camera suddenly stopped moving, and people went "shhhh," I just needed to silently count to "five" in my head and something would either A) go "boo" or B) not go "boo."
Once you figure that out, "Paranormal Activity: Next of Kin" has absolutely no chance at suckering you in to its world of would-be horror tomfoolery.
What am I supposed to say here? I wasn't scared, I wasn't interested, and as the humdrum story unveiled a new key piece of the story, it only got more and more nonsensical. It assumes you believe in, or can suspend your own disbelief, the supernatural, and I wasn't having any of its dreck. Perhaps I just didn't let myself have a good time, you might be asking, but then why would I watch it? Just to write mean things about it online? All I know is, I sunk deep between the cushions wondering to myself "... is this all life has to offer?"
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