"The Strangers - Chapter 2" was filmed alongside last year's "Chapter 1," with "Chapter 3" still unreleased. The interwebs tells me all three were to be released in 2024, so I don't know what happened there. I have no idea what happened behind the scene, and to not commit a critic-sin, I can't say what happens onscreen. What I can say is that this sequel is bad. Awful. Dreadful. Boring. Dumb. Bloated. And perhaps most damning, completely unscary. I sat in a mostly empty theater stone-faced, unflinching to any of the myriad of alleged jump-scares, growing increasingly annoyed at just how monotonous the whole production ended up being. It's not merely just bad, but artistically inert, unable to even become so-bad-it's-good.
So I Went to the Movies
Sunday, September 28, 2025
The Strangers – Chapter 2 Review
Tuesday, September 9, 2025
The Conjuring: Last Rites Review
"The Conjuring" films have their work cut out for them, considering a quick internet search shows, somehow, about half the population believes in the paranormal. I am firmly not in that camp, so smart people like me have to sit and watch make-believe in hopes of entertainment. And this fourth entry, subtitled "Last Rites," is as goofy as they come.
The film opens with Ed and Lorraine Warren, two real-life paranormal investigators and likely con-artists, in an antique shop of sorts, after the owner is found dead by hanging. A pregnant Lorraine decides to investigate, hearing the voices that allegedly drove the old man to his suicide, stumbles upon a mirror, one with three faces carved into the wood at the top. She touches it, lots of loud noises are produced and she's induced. Now at the local hospital, doctors believe she has a miscarriage, but thanks to the power of prayer, their little baby girl takes her first breath. It's all very sweet until you realize this is a horror movie, and babies don't have the best track record in this territory.
Stars Vera Farmiga and Patrick Wilson (who's facial hair is not quite ready to commit to actual mutton chops) reprise their roles as the paranormal pairing, now since retired from a life of ghostbusting. And when their now-grown daughter Judy (Mia Tomlinson) returns home from, I dunno college I suppose, new boyfriend in tow named Tony (Ben Hardy), it all becomes very sitcom. Aside from the fact that the family keeps a room locked away in their house littered with purportedly haunted items, of course.
Simultaneously, we follow the Smurl family, a poor and of course religious family of eight living in Pennsylvania. Their daughter Heather (Kíla Lord Cassidy) is seen having her confirmation ceremony, which I'm assuming is something god-fearing people do to try and get on the invisible man's good-side, then thusly gifted the aforementioned mirror, and, I dunno, that ends up inviting demons in. Or ghosts. Or spirits. Or something, I paid attention, I truly did I swear.
The teenager suspects something bad about the mirror, bringing it to the trash one night with the help of her sassy sister Dawn (Beau Gadsdon). The garbage men pick it up and their big truck smashes it, and then the demon fun begins. People float above their beds, a freaky old woman holds toys and phone cords are yanked. (Oh did I forget to mention this takes place during the eighties?) You'd think this is when the Warren's would be called in, but then the runtime wouldn't be able to exceed two hours, so here we are.
But their cries to the local news do attract the attention of Father Gordon (Steve Coulter), a good friend of Ed and Lorraine, or so this fourth movie in a franchise says. (You would think child services would also hear about kids being in constant danger, but I digress.) Their house remains haunted for months, and since they're destitute, are unable to move out. I imagine they're not all that well-liked since they never try to stay with friends or family. Gordon almost immediately detects somethings wrong, but due to plot he ends up killing himself. And for some reason, Judy takes it upon herself to travel to PA and try and help figure out what happens to Gordon. You know, what the police should be doing, but cops just keep back crowds back in movies like this.
So her parents and boyfriend-turned-fiance travel to the Smurl residence, and up until then, I hadn't actively disliked the flick all that much. But then characters lurk about alone in the dark when they shouldn't, which would be impossible considering the tiny house homes eight people! And it happens constantly, so often in fact that I had to keep my intense urge to scream at the screen contained. You would think they'd wait until its light out, grab a buddy and then enter a room where a mysterious voice echoes.
Lorraine just lumbers around looking concerned, and Ed and his sideburns speak in doomy monologues; it's all so self-indulgent. And unfortunately, not all that scary. The same problem that plagued entry number three, that one quickly notices the pattern: someone goes somewhere they shouldn't, the music gets all tense then stops until a monster jumps out. When the film finds an interesting location for all this, sure, it can be fun. A scene in a dressing room is interesting and well done, but come on, another haunted house?
But yes, in the end the plot revolves around a haunted mirror, which in itself isn't all that silly, but what is is when the furniture physically moves and attacks; it is so unbelievably stupid to see veteran actors like Wilson and Farmiga have to combat a hunk of wood. A satire maybe could have made it work, or some broad comedy even, but the filmmakers instead settled on the funless and pretentious.
Sunday, August 31, 2025
The Thursday Murder Club Review
There's little in the way of actual comedy in "The Thursday Murder Club," debuting on Netflix just a few days ago, which is curious as it considers itself one. It's more of a lightweight dramatic detective film, if that is such a genre, with a ludicrous plot that I suppose counts as a comedy.
Sunday, August 17, 2025
Nobody 2 Review
2021's "Nobody" was a bit of fresh air in the oftentimes stale action thriller genre, taking the niche carved out by the "John Wick" franchise and narrowing its world-building while adding a slight satirical edge. Most films cut from the cloth of Mr. Reeves' franchise take themselves way too seriously, so this lighter helped it stand out.
But uh-oh, with success comes the inevitable sequel, but "Nobody 2" ends up just recycling everything that happened in the first picture and tries pushing it to the next level. But instead of raising the stakes, it makes things feel bloated and self-righteous, the gimmick of a non-action star (Bob Odenkirk) staring in an action movie no longer enough. Add to that a tired script and a vacation artifice and you have a wasted opportunity at the movies.
One interesting thing during my showing was that, near the end of the runtime, I heard a baby cry; I look back and wouldn't you know it, some family brought a literal baby to a rated R film. To the people who did that, you are bad parents.
Bob returns as Hutch, who is now working for The Barber (Colin Salmon), a mysterious man who runs a mysterious business procuring mysterious things, trying to pay off his debts after the events of the first film. He's told he should be "done by spring," or something like that, but if the original was about a man trying to escape his past, this one is all about how that's impossible. Some character development...
Hutch's wife Becca (Connie Nielsen) is frustrated with how little he's around, out working by the time she wakes up and still out come dinner time. And Hutch, well, he's aware that he's not really "present" to his kids when his son Brady (Gage Munroe) has a black eye from an altercation at school. He tells The Barber he needs a break, a vacation if you will, so he takes his nuclear family to Plummerville, a scrubby amusement park/tourist trap that his dad (Christopher Lloyd) took him to when he was young. Cue "Holiday Road-" wait, that only plays during the trailers? Come on!
Problems arise almost immediately when Hutch rubs the local sheriff Abel (Colin Hanks) the wrong way at a hot dog place, but things really heat up when Brady punches another teenager at an arcade. Why? Because he took his sister Sammy's (Paisley Cadorath) stuffed animal and ripped it in half. The family is kicked out of the building, and just as they're leaving, an employee hits Sammy in the back of the head- well, more of a flick, but you get the idea. And, because this is a movie about an assassin on sabbatical, instead of talking to the manager, the police or, you know, just getting the hell out of town, he beats up a bunch of goons inside. Until the cops show up, and we find out that Abel might be the sheriff, but that the town is really run by Wyatt (John Ortiz), owner of the theme park. And that the kid who Brady hit was his son. What a twist, I know.
This is where I thought to myself "OK, the story's established, let's get the plot out of the way," but then the film's like "wait, there's more!" Wyatt might "run" the town, but Abel feels he really should (I don't think either cops or business men should, but I digress). And fine sure, a bit of tension between the two villains is fine I guess, let's move on. But Derek Kolstad and Aaron Rabin's pompous script's like "no no wait, you'll love this too;" Plummerville is actually a bootleggers town, and working its way though right at this moment is a shipment of MacGuffins for Ledina (Sharon Stone), a ruthless supervillain of sorts who Wyatt owes his own debt to. It is all very complicated, very silly and very unexciting.
Due to plot Wyatt and Hutch team up and booby-trap the amusement park, much like the office in the first movie, but aside from a few neat touches like having a ride fall onto nameless thugs, there isn't really all that done with the environment; most baddies are dispatched by gunshots or explosions, leaving this location as just window dressing for the very same, very old thing.
The casting of Sharon Stone is inspired, and Odenkirk imbues the right amount of weariness into his reprised role, but the magic is gone with round two; the filmmakers try to recapture lightning in a bottle with an opened soda can.
Sunday, August 10, 2025
The Pickup Review
"The Pickup" has a talented cast (Eddie Murphy, Eva Longoria, etc.,), a novel plot (guards in an armored vehicle are taken hostage to rob a casino) and action scenes that are refreshingly free of obvious CGI, only to go absolutely nowhere.
Thursday, July 31, 2025
The Naked Gun Review




Sunday, July 20, 2025
I Know What You Did Last Summer Review
The early 90's were not kind to the slasher genre, which sputtered out in an anticlimax until 1996's "Scream" took the world by storm, and left millions of young-adult horror fans for something else to sink their, ahem, knifes into. Enter 1997's "I Know What You Did Last Summer," based on the 1973 book by Lois Duncan, which spawned its own series of sequels and knockoffs. Then the genre died out, again, until I'd say 2018's "Halloween," and soon cinemas were flooded with remakes, reboots and legacy sequels; at least the 1990's boon were fresh, I guess.
I've never read Lois' book, or seen any of the subsequent three films, for that matter, so what irony that this totally-a-sequel-totally-not-a-remake, annoyingly also titled "I Know What You Did Last Summer," works as entertainment more so than the most recent entry in the property that inspired it, "Scream VI." Don't get me wrong, "IKWYDLS" is objectively a pretty lousy flick, filled with conveniences, red herrings, characters doing things only dumb horror movie characters would do and to top of it all off, a talky villain. Or should I say villains? Ha, I'll never tell.
Yet I found myself caught up in some of its twists, which are ludicrous and often illogical and I am ashamed I couldn't spot them ahead of time. I didn't, and so I sat in my comfy reclining leather-like chair smiling that the film got me. How could I not see it coming? I can't dive into spoiler-territory, but I can at least proudly proclaim that I did correctly guess 25% of the ending. Suppose that's something.
Still, that doesn't mean this is worth seeing: despite being a slasher film, it contains very little in the way of actual onscreen bloodshed, and just two sex scenes. With no nudity! What does a person need to do to see a breast!? I know that I'm not being too classy here, but this is the territory this movie occupies and it does not succeed in giving its depraved audience the sinful abandon it so wants in a picture like this.
Oh yes the plot, I had almost forgotten: one fourth of July night, a group of friends inadvertently and drunkenly cause a car accident while trying to watch some fireworks off on some narrow mountain road. With the driver barely alive and clinging on for life inside, the party tries to stop the truck from falling down the watery cliff below, but are unsuccessful. Now in full-panic mode, each of them spits out a different idea of what to do once the cops are called; do they drive away? Head to the police station? Go and check on the driver of the vehicle? And before you cry out that this is exactly how the original played out, this time they were not only drinking, but also smoking pot. So totally modern. And then, one year later, one of them opens a note with the words "I Know What You Did Last Summer," and then the bodies start piling up. Sigh, to be in my twenties again...
The friends are played by Madelyn Cline (Danica), Chase Sui Wonders (Ava), Jonah Hauer-King (Milo), Tyriq Withers (Teddy) and Sarah Pidgeon (Stevie), and they are as stereotypical a band of mad-slasher movie cliches as you can get. Danica is ditsy, Stevie is a bit of an outcast, Ava is internally distraught but tough and Teddy is a meathead- yawn. Oh right, Milo, he's, uh, forgettable?
But the performances are all quite good and their dialogue is occasionally smart, sometimes riffing on the silliness of the entire production of it all (a throwaway line about Scooby-Doo had me laughing loudly), but my gosh these people are idiots. When they're not in a situation they should be using their cell phone to call someone, they're splitting up by themselves in a place they shouldn't be in. And then "boo," the shadowy figure in a slicker with a hook comes along, swings it a few times, either killing one off or trying to. You might be wondering "where are the police," and that's a great question. See, Teddy's dad has the whole force on his payroll, since he breathed new life into the town after the events of the first movie, so they beat around the bush and try to brush all this off. Didn't think we'd be ripping off "Jaws" in a slasher film, but here we are.
And also in case you were wondering, the lug head's daddy is also how, despite the proliferation of phones, cameras and cars with GPS tracking, that a pickup could go flying into the ocean and no one know who did it. And they say the rich don't have problems of their own.
I should mention that some familiar faces reappear here in extended cameos, but I won't go any further to risk spoiling the fun, because that's what this new "I Know What You Did Last Summer" is: it's fun. It had me nostalgic for a series I've never seen, as if my mind wanted to escape back to autumn 1997 instead of realizing how close we are to 2027.