Godzilla x King: The New Empire Review

During the Shōwa Era of Godzilla films, Toho almost immediately abandoned the serious allegory of the first 1954 release in favor of kid-friendly popcorn pictures. They're the ones most Americans think of when they hear the word "Godzilla," with silly plots, inane dialogue and cheap visual mayhem that children, all around the world, ate up.

Toho's most recent two releases in the franchise, "Shin Godzilla" and "Godzilla Minus One," go back to the dour edge of that inaugural movie, with human characters acting like real humans might if they were in the situation. But over in the states, Legendary's "MonsterVerse," as it's called, goes straight for the cheese, and the latest one, "Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire," is a glorious slice of American cheese that makes up for its lack of an actual point with nonstop optical delight. I was far more giddy than I should have been.

The plot, if you could call it a plot, involves everything but aliens, which is surprising when you consider how many canon Godzilla flicks do. It starts with Kong in "Hollow Earth," lamenting the fact that he's the last of his kind. He, and I'm sorry but I'm not making this up, is suffering from a toothache, and heads up to the surface for human help from Trapper (Dan Stevens), a sort of Ace Ventura veterinarian who so kindly replaces it. I never, ever, thought the plots of these things would get this ridiculous, but here we are.

Godzilla's here too, throwing a hissy fit on the surface, destroying other titans (non Kong/Godzilla monsters) as tries to power up before heading to a mysterious distress call. Yes, just like a video game, the King of the Monsters himself gets stronger with each boss he defeats. This is, as the kids put it, not high-class film making. His best scene is, not a fight strangely enough, but how he curls up and sleeps in Rome Colosseum like a cat. It's such an odd, funny scene that they have him do it twice.

Who else can hear this distress call? The last known survivor of the Iwi tribe, Jia (Kaylee Hottle), a deaf girl who can communicate using sign-language with Kong. I am all for better diversity in Hollywood (Kaylee is deaf in real life), but come on! When you begin to resemble the film adaptation of Michael Crichton's "Congo," you'd better be open to trying to "out-silly" it. Her surrogate mother Ilene (Rebecca Hall), is a high-ranking Monarch member, distraught by her daughter's inability to fit in with the other kids. You remember Monarch right? They're the team studying all the monsters, and director Adam Wingard, returning from the first one, is wise enough to realize that no one cares. Do you? If you did, you wouldn't be reading a review, you'd be seeing it on the biggest screen you could, probably twice. So it is monster-on-monster action, with the narrative only coming up when we need to explain why this beast is battling that one this time,

Ilene takes Jia, literally putting her life in danger, along with Trapper and monster podcaster Bernie (Brian Tyree Henry) down into the Hollow Earth, before Godzilla makes his way there and bumps into Kong. See, they hate each other, I think Kong said something about Godzilla's mom or something, I dunno. It doesn't matter. None of this matters. Leave your brain at the auditorium door and don't you dare forget the popcorn.

They end up combating carnivorous trees, discover ancient temples, and finally locate an unknown community of the Iwi tribe. Like any great Shōwa Era of Godzilla flick, this one lifts from other cinematic sources, this time from "Indiana Jones." All that's missing is minecarts and Nazis. (Oh god, please, I didn't mean to give the producers an idea for "Godzilla x Kong 3.")

Kong ends up deeper in Hollow Earth and stumbles upon an undisclosed location, which the film humorously tells us with onscreen text reading something like "Subterranean Section." (Snickers.) Here, he finds not one equally giant monkey, but several, and they immediately face off with their fists (and Kong's makeshift ax). After kicking the other apes's butts, he takes in a small Kong, who from now on I will refer to only by "Minilla Kong." They share a lot of screen time, and these scenes are devoid of dialogue and are kinda sweet, but then they tear apart some lake creature and share its guts. They didn't even wash their paws!

Minilla Kong takes Kong Senior to a fiery hellscape ruled by Skar King, a more lanky Kong who abuses the other Kongs in the area. (Are they all Kongs? Is "Kong" a surname? Does it matter?) I won't go on any more about the plot, because my life is too precious to describe every piece of candy in this bulging visual pinata. All I can say is that, while "Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire" lacks a purpose other than to make money, damn does it give you your money's worth.